Woo-Bingo and the Man from Atlantis

Personally, I’ve never seen much wrong with, metaphorically, shooting fish in a barrel.  So here’s an obvious pseudoscience, pseudomedicine, pseudohistory scam: The Atlantean Power Crystal^TM; a wonder that allows you to “…Harness the healing and magickal power of Atlantis…”.  Life Technologies^TM, who sell this wonder of the mythical past, make their pitch through a website that is perhaps best described as a woo-bingo full house.  So, for entertainment, let’s mine this mother-lode of mega-woo.

What is an “Atlantean Power Crystal^TM” and what can it do?

Well, apparently the Atlanteans discovered the “…powers of quartz crystal…”.  So here are the first two problems: Atlantis never existed and though quartz has some interesting properties, it doesn’t have magical powers.

The electrical properties of quartz are fascinating.  It is piezoelectric: it will develop an electric potential when placed under mechanical stress or pressure.  Also the converse is true: it will distort mechanically when subjected to an electric field.  Thus quartz is commonly used as an oscillator in timing circuits (i.e. the quartz watch).

These are well known properties, not mystical powers; but this doesn’t deter our doughty scammers, they claim that the Atlanteans “…understood the unique electrical properties of quartz and were able to harness these natural oscillations in ways that we are only beginning to understand today…”

Some more basic misunderstandings: electrical properties are not “natural oscillations“.  The piezoelectric property of quartz gives it the potential to oscillate in a powered electrical circuit, like a watch mechanism.  However, take the battery out of your watch and the oscillations will stop.

So what can these quartz crystals do?  Well naturally they heal and the Atlanteans used them to store information (very Babylon 5) and energy.  If these claims weren’t preposterous enough “…They were used to send the human voice and images over long distances just like modern day television…”

That’s right, mythical ancient Atlantis had a service “just like” modern TV; the Atlantean Broadcasting Corporation (ABC) has a nice ring to it I suppose!

I must say that this mythical Atlantis seems to have been an amazing place.  According to Life Technology^TM this was a “…highly technologically developed civilization…”.  I wonder if they had quartz watches?

We’re Doomed!

Now the bad news: it “…came to a sudden cataclysmic end 12,000 years ago, due to the misuse of these powerful crystals…”.  Now, this is the bit that I really don’t get: if these crystals are so powerful why is Life Technology^TM selling them?

That’s right, the same crystals that destroyed Atlantis can be yours for £199.95 (100grams); or if you really want to take out a civilisation a ‘larger’ version (250mg) is available for £399.95.

Skipping by the fact that for a given crystal 250mg is certainly much smaller than 100 grams, it seems to me that if these people were sincere but deluded they certainly wouldn’t put such dangerous ‘technology’ into the hands of anyone who turned up with a credit card; unless they were sincere, deluded terrorists I suppose.

The next question that comes to mind is: if the misuse of these quartz crystals brought Atlantean civilisation to an end (indeed to such an end that no evidence now exists that it was ever here at all) how did Life Technology^TM come by this arcane knowledge?

Easy, they have allegedly spent “…many hours researching the ancient legends and documents pertaining to the time of Atlantis…”.  They must have some cracking researchers: they’ve rediscovered a mythical past and found a magic device is hours, not even days or weeks, let alone years!

How Does A ‘Power Crystal’ Work?

Well so much for pseudohistory, now for more pseudoscience: how do these quartz crystals work, via the magic of quantum flapdoodle of course.

“…Everything in the universe vibrates and oscillates. Therefore the connecting link between all forms of energy is vibration, sympathetic harmony and resonance. By studying and applying the principles of quantum physics and esoteric science the psychonatical engineers at Life Technology^TM were able to see beyond material matter and into the primary creative forces of nature. Utilising the information from diverse fields such as Radionics, Psionics, Psychotronics, Quantum Physics, Sacred Geometry, Sonics, music and metaphysics has led to an understanding of how the human mind can interact creatively with the material universe…”

I think that this passage speaks rather eloquently for itself.  Here we have the typical pseudoscientific formulation: start with something loose but plausible and then fantasize from there.  And always remember to mention ‘quantum’ something or other.

The idea that everything vibrates and oscillates has some grounding in reality: everything with a temperature has elementary motion within it which may include vibration.  More fundamentally, Schrödinger’s wave equation describes the sub-microscopic world in terms of probability waves.  So, I’ll give them that one, however, there is absolutely no real meaning in any of the rest.

How Is a  Power Crystal Made?

Now we ‘know’ how these powerful quartz crystals ‘work’.  How are they made? Using “The Solis Method^TM“.  This “incorporates the toroidal power of implosion, orgone energy, phi harmonics, tensor fields, sonics and ultasonics, visible and invisible light spectrum energy and, most crucially, a unique energy template within the crystalline matrix of The Atlantean Power Crystal^TM. “

Don’t shout “house” yet, there is much more of this meaningless nonsense to come.

Flattery Will Get You Nowhere?

So why is it that after an interlude of 12,000 years we are now blessed with the commercial availability of this product?

“… because humanity has once again reached a level of spiritual attainment where this technology may once again be utilised for the betterment of mankind.”

Well, I must say that I’ve been following the news and have not seen any evidence of anything remotely like a general increase in spiritual attainment.  Still, perhaps this flattery may make people more willing to hand over the best part of two hundred quid?

What could make someone willing to hand over nearly four hundred quid?  Some more flattery perhaps?

“…The Atlantean Power Crystal^TM was the center of the Atlantean culture. Only the initiated and highly spiritually evolved individuals, that understood the immense intrinsic power, were allowed to work with the crystal. “

It seems a bit insulting to memory of the highly evolved Atlanteans to make their crystals available to anyone with a couple of hundred quid to spare.  Still, maybe they deserve it: by implication it was these highly spiritually evolved individuals who abused their crystal power and did for Atlantis!

Talking To God with a Quartz Crystal

Now there’s some even more peculiar stuff on this site.  It describes what these crystals did for the Atlanteans (re-broadcast cosmic energy, allow them to talk to God, heal auras and then the body via the chakra system) and calls them “The Atlantean Power Crystal^TM“.  The clear implication is that the trade-marked crystal you can buy today is the same as that used in Atlantis, so should be able to do the same things today.

So how does Life Technology^TM know so much about Atlantean society, given that it was so totally obliterated by these crystals that not a shred of evidence of its existence is with us today?  Past life regression of course!

“Many people who have experienced past life regression therapy […] have described life within Atlantean society, citing this particular ritual in detail and remembering it as a “healing.” Interestingly, some regression subjects have mentioned “seeing” themselves on a table while a facilitator places stones on their chakras. “

So much for the Atlanteans, what today’s highly spiritually evolved credit-card (or paypal) using individual wants to know is: what can it do for me?  Here are some of the wild and outlandish claims.

 “…It neutralises negative subtle energy waves…”

Not real, measurable energy of course!

“…It creates a subtle energy field to protect against EMF…”

Using what sort of energy?

“…It heals and recharges the human electromagnetic field.”

Now I’m really confused, I thought that it protected against EMF’s?

“…It emits neutrinos, enabling the correction of intracellular frequencies. It reorients the psychic channels, increasing intuition and psychic perception through the correction of molecular frequencies in the cerebral cortex…”

Well, no it doesn’t.  Neutrinos are created by certain types of radioactive decay and nuclear reactions.  Quartz (SiO₂), not containing uranium-238, thorium-232 or potassium-40, is not a neutrino source.

Anyway neutrinos interact with matter so weakly that we are not effected by the estimated fifty trillion solar electron neutrinos that pass through our bodies every second!  It’s hard to see why a few more would help in any way.

“…It enables centrifugal reorganization of the chakras, nadis and the subtle energy fields throughout the body, including the independent energy that belongs to the organs.”

Is there no woo that these crystals can’t do?  Quite why chakras, nadis and the rest are rotating, or need to, is not explained.

“…It reorganises any disturbances in the electrical field in the air, of geostatic or form energies, through a subtle invisible dynamic.”

Subtle and invisible: imaginary would be better.

“…It restores the vitality of people to enable the biotic correction in homes where there are harmful waves or parasitic energies.”

The usual woo-formulation of vaguely ‘sciencey’ sounding concepts with all meaning extracted.

“…It dissipates harmful cosmic rays coming from outer space…”

No it can’t: neutrino detectors are placed deep underground to help screen them from cosmic radiation.  If it takes hundreds of meters of earth to do this, what chance does a 100g crystal have?

“…It restores the higher nutritional frequencies of food, making it more nutritious.”

Even in Atlantis, you cannot escape nutritionalism.

“…It corrects the frequency variations in minerals, enabling enhancement of the intrinsic data field of the mineral.”

The next generation of computer memeory technology!

“…It creates a defence against harmful cellphone radiation….”

Setting aside that there is no evidence that cellphone radiation is harmful, this claim is obvious and testable drivel.  So, where is the evidence?

“…It enables psychological and biophysical reorganization, it fights against insomnia, neurasthenia, fatigue, and generally against psychological afflictions….”

More woo-words; it doesn’t cure, it fights.  It may win or lose; either way the woo-pusher can wriggle out of inefficacy or claim credit where it isn’t due.

“…It increases memory and through the general positive effect on the health, significantly enhances libido…”

Nice.  Maybe I’ll get one after all.

“…It sends and receives love and light which heals oneself and others…”

How a quartz crystal can receive, store and broadcast an emotion is, I confess, beyond me.  Again the claim about light is quite testable; evidence that light can heal in any meaningful sense is rather thin on the ground (aside from Vitamin D deficiency and, to some degree, Seasonal Affective Disorder).

“…It stimulates the third eye chakra increasing intuitive and psychic powers…”

I’ve always secretly fancied a third eye.

“…It gives access to the universal language of the body of light, for bilocation, translation and multilocation functions.”

Being able to appear to be in more than one place at a time could come in useful.  I wonder if you get your money back if this function doesn’t work!

“…It increases the strength and vital energy of people…”

Here the debunked doctrine of vitalism makes an appearance; perhaps someone should do a homeopathic proving of quartz?  Wouldn’t you know, the homeopaths already have!

“…If reinforces the magnetic field of light on the Earth and unites humanity to Gaia and the mineral kingdom, our Mother Earth.”

The earth’s magnetic field and light are, of course, different (though magnetism is manifest in electromagnetic radiation, of which “light” is the bit we can see); still I don’t think that either the mineral kingdom or Mother Earth will mind.

“…It connects people with the forces of light from the infinite universes….”

Nice to see that they have proved the multiverse hypothesis; Nobel Prizes for all!

“…It decontaminates the subtle inverted negative energies contained in water, by reconfiguring the subtle intrinsic data field…”

House! Water memory; I think I’ve just won woo-bingo!  So this is another hypothesis for how homeopathy could ‘work’: water programming via magic crystals; I wonder when this will get published in Homeopathy?

Quartz from La-La Land

So where do they get their quartz from?  At £199.95 for 100g it must be top-of-the-line quartz; and so it is: “The Atlantean Power Crystal^TM is obtained from The Shangri-La Mine in the Himalayas.”

It’s quite fitting that this quartz of this mythic potential comes from a mine named after a fiction: Shangri-La.  Strangely ‘googling‘ for the Shangri-La mine only comes up with a mention in a work of fiction and a mine prospect in Western Australia; odd that.

“…Himalayan quartz crystal is widely recognised to be the spiritually most pure crystal available on the planet today and it is commonly accepted that Atlantean adepts chose The Himalayas as a place of refuge when the continent of Atlantis was destroyed in a great cataclysm over 40,000 years ago. The spiritual knowledge of Atlantis still exists today among the people of The Himalayas.”

Now I’m confused.  I thought I read somewhere that Atlantis was destroyed by its crystal wielding spiritual elite 12,000 years ago?

I hope that you’ve enjoyed this brief tour through some of the nonsense on the Life Technologies^TM website; there’s a lot more where that came from.  I hope that you’ll agree that this is a classic of the genre; a mix of ‘sciencey’ sounding language with almost every woowoo concept going.

My favourite bit of this site is the idea that the powerful crystals whose misuse wiped an advanced culture out of existence can now be ordered over the internet for a couple of hundred quid.  We’re doomed!

It’s hard to believe that people are actually handing over hard-earned cash for something described in terms that would make the most hackneyed science fiction writer blush!

Still quartz can be a very pretty crystal.  If you think that £199.95 is good value for a small ornament, then that’s all well and good: just don’t expect to be able to talk to God with it.

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